Hmmmm.....let's see....Europe?  Yes, please.  Fuck this place.  I need to escape, but I can't.  Obligations hold me here.  If I wasn't government property and had the money, I'd be gone already.  

This Kahlua is delicious.

So she finally started to talk to me again, done with our break from talking.  It was nice, we could actually talk like friends again...that is until she told me the news.  She is with him now.  I expected it to happen.  Then I started thinking about before we broke up.  I lost her to him, awhile before we broke up.  Always over at his house, spending the night there, always with...them.  So now, it hurts again.  I was over the break up pretty much.  Now....this smack in the face.  Smack

So last night was very interesting.  It consisted of drinking a lot of jager and other things.  Started at Tyler's, then we went to Ihop where Amy and I shared a kick ass salad!  Our server's name was Mack, the mack daddy (who also sold sex toys apparently)  There we got into a discussion that started out about the war, and me deploying.  It just went off from there, got into politics and all kinds of things.  It was a very intense conversation, especially when we weren't all there.... Everyone was sooo opinionated, it was crazy!  Then a very large crowd of very large people came in, and then it just got too intense in there, so we left to continue our conversation elsewhere.  During that discussion, the movie 1984 came up, Matt loved the movie, and the movie has been very influential everywhere.  So then we went and got some coffee, and went to Matt's, where we had to sneak in through his basement window, and we watched the movie 1984.  Very intense movie, depressing, but very interesting.  It is very true in many aspects, and it is somewhat appalling of the things in that movie, and just how real it is or can be.  I love the kind of nights that we had last night, especially with Amy.  There may not be any romance between her and I anymore, but she is still one of my best friends, and we have awesome adventures.  There is just something about her that I am drawn to.  There are still many more epic adventures to be had....and I can't wait!!

Well I finally heard from her, and things were going well.  Then it all had to go downhill.  Didn't hear from yer, got a pocket call from her, sounded like she was with him, or someone else.  I guess her "best friend" isn't important enough to her.  She has changed.  I guess the break up was good in a way.  Cause if it hadn't happened when it did....it probably would have happened soon enough, with how she is changing.

Been listening to a song lately.  Hero of War, by Rise Against. 


He said, “Son,
Have you see the world?
Well, what would you say
If I said that you could?
Just carry this gun and you’ll even get paid.”
I said, “That sounds pretty good.”

Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight

A hero of war
Yeah that’s what I’ll be
And when I come home
They’ll be damn proud of me
I’ll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it’s flag that I love
And a flag that I trust

I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and his friends

They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again

A hero of war
Yeah that’s what I’ll be
And when I come home
They’ll be damn proud of me
I’ll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it’s flag that I love
And a flag that I trust

She walked through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away

The shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood now had soaked
She collapsed with a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow

A hero of war
Is that what the see
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me
And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it’s a flag that I love
It’s the only flag I trust

He said, “Son, have you seen the world? Well what would you say, if I said that you could?”

It's pretty powerful to me.  Makes you think about things.  Gives me the chills every time I listen.

So once again, we are finally talking a little more, and yet again, once she is with him, I don't hear from her at all....Says she'll try harder, so far I see a close to failing attempt.  Today has just not been a good day.  Beautiful outside, yet I am on lock down.  Typical eh?  A day full of bullshit.  Take me away from here, I want to escape, get away, and just get away from it all.  26 and a wake up.  I can't wait to get back.  Again, Placebo.

I finally got a hold of her.  Didn't hear from her this whole weekend.  She says that her phone wasn't working.  That is usually the reason.  But it makes me wonder, if her phone wasn't working, then how did she get a hold of chuck?  Seems like her phone had to work somehow, so she could get a hold of him so she could go and hang out.  Pretty sure she spent all weekend hanging out with him.  Seems like she is too busy hanging out with him till 3 am to put enough effort into talking to me.  She has changed.  She says that I am still her best friend, but is this how you really treat best friends?  Feels like chuck her her new focus.  Never mind about me. Hurts. I don't know what to do. I try to talk to her, but it seems very one sided.  When was the last time she got a hold of me to have a conversation?  Can't remember. The song, The Kill, comes to mind.     "Come break me down, bury me, bury me I am finished with you, look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me, all I wanted was you.  Come break me down, bury me, bury me, I am finished with you. "

Why do I feel like this?  It this some kind of internal cry for help?  A cry for the need to someone in my life?  Someone special, someone to share everything with?  Is that I feel like I need someone to make me happy in life?  I feel a need to be creative.  As I walk around, listening to the music that I turn to when I have this feeling, placebo.  Can this music be considered depressing? Why do I feel so lost?  The world is seeming to slow down. As I walk listening to the beat.  Footsteps matching the beat, the mood.  A fucking movie almost. Running up that hill.  I get lost in this feeling.  Maybe it has nothing to do with finding a new relationship, maybe it's time to really live up to it......Nosce te ipsum.  It can't be that feeling.  I don't need someone to complete me.  I need to be happy just on my own.  I need to be able to be completely happy, then if someone comes along, it will just make it all that much better.  What is this then...?

Well it has been much too long since I have been on here to write my feelings and thoughts.  Maybe one day I will make it a habit to get on here daily, who knows.  So since I have posted on here last, I have joined the military, been to basic, I am currently in AIT, in Virginia.  I have also gotten back together with the love of my life, broke up, and back together, and now we are broken up once again.  This time, probably for good.  A reason you ask?  Well that is something I don't feel like writing about on here.  I thought that we would be best friends still, like I want to.  But she has changed in ways.  Maybe I'm  not important enough to put some effort into.  It's funny how quickly things can change, one moment  you are planning on a life together and the next moment, almost strangers, or lost acquaintances. 

It has been a 4 day weekend, and I have drank a lot of coffee and just chilled.  Last night, we went to VA beach, and did some partying.  Since I woke up today, I have been in a very weird mood.  I downloaded an app on my phone, one where I can write down my thoughts as I walk...a journal on my phone.  Mostly random, no order, incorrect grammar, shorthand almost, like this entry.  Maybe I'll start posting my thoughts that I take down that day and post them on here.  I don't know.  I think I will post the ones from today.  Judge me if you will, but I am me.  Nosce te ipsum- Know yourself...something that I have yet to do I think, at least in some ways.  It's been awhile since I have used something as an output for my emotions, for creativity.  I miss it.  

I miss her so much, I almost can't take it anymore.  It has been nearly a year since I have last seen her.  There have been chances to finally see her again in the past, but those were stolen from us.  Even though I have only been with her in person not much at all, I know her very well.  Our relationship will last forever, whether it be romantic or just best friends.  I hate how she is so far way from me, it's killing me!  I just can't wait to see her in a few weeks, it is going to be amazing!  Even though she has a boyfriend, I know that it will never come between our relationship, and our relationship will be there forever.

Life is a dream